After More Than A Month.

Been more than a month since I’ve written anything here and expressed my feelings to anyone. The truth is, I tried to jot down but I couldn’t come up with anything good enough to express my feelings. My brain has been working 24/7 with something or the other and I have been such a mess with everything in my brain.

Exams are over and so is college now. Finally a graduate! Well, hopefully. Exams went well except for 2 of them so I just hope that I at least pass. While I was giving my exams, I realized how frustrated and saturated I’d become with my life right now. By the end of my last exam, I realized I wanted a break so desperately. Well, my life isn’t going my way so of course, the much-needed vacation is also not coming to me anytime soon.

Since the day my exams got done, I’ve been meeting my friends who are either shifting back to their hometown or friends from Mumbai itself who I won’t get to meet often since the college is over now. Spending some quality time feels so good even after knowing a fact that things will not be the same anymore.

I also met my Ex-Boyfriend (N). I never had the balls to meet him even when we live in the same city since the time we broke up (like more than a year back). Not sure how did I even gather the strength to meet him one on one this time. We were very chill post breakup. We talk atleast once a month. And we’re still good friends. Our meet was also quite chilled but it sure made me nostalgic.

I’m still clueless about what should I be doing now since the college is over. Go for the job or  start preparing for CAT and do my masters. I prefer doing the later more though. But lets see.

Adding to all my troubles, my dad has been really weird lately and I’m hating him for the same. He is my weakness and when it comes to him, I cannot control my emotions. I’ve just been crying since 7-8 days in random intervals and have been low. I kind of had a fight with dad as well and I need to sort out our relationship soon or else we might be in a huge mess.

Recently, one of my new friend from Delhi visited Mumbai and he was kind of my first ever “date” (K). I met him in at a conference I attended 3 months ago and we had a prom night there where we had to choose a prom and needless to mention, we chose each other. At that time, it was just a thing to know one person better from the crowd of more than 400 people. When he came to visit Mumbai now, I initially met him as a friend and as I spent more time with him during his stay, I kind of felt something for him. I was falling for him. This honestly happened after a really long time with me. I am not sure if I love him but I sure do like him more now. I have no hopes from myself when it comes to love. So, lets see what happens next. He has given me 2 beautiful days to cherish while he was here and I’ll forever be grateful for that.

I haven’t been talking to S much lately. He is kind of busy with his own life and new job and I don’t feel the connection as of now. Also, While I was in the low phase, I kinda pushed him away and took my time. So, we’re just kind of off. Let’s see what happens with him too.

I just hope my life gets on track really soon and I figure out everything, eventually.

Thanks for listening.

Much love. XoXo

 

 

Life Update.

My life has been going really weird since a long time now. It’s like a roller coaster for all my emotions inside. One moment I’m genuinely happy and the other I’m genuinely sad. One moment I’m kinda depressed and the other I’m kinda okay. One moment I’m ambitious and the other I’m done with everything. And the worst part is, I can’t even explain anything to anyone.

I’ve always had problems in taking decisions because of course, I’m a Gemini but I’ve never felt this lost in my life. I’m clueless about my higher studies, career, job, relationships, goals, life and in short, EVERYTHING that should matter at this point of my life. Its more like I’m just going with the flow. Like a dead fish. I don’t want to be that person. I want to take my own planned and systematic decisions so that I don’t have to think in my mind that I settled for it since I had no other option. I want to be responsible for my decisions. But for now, I don’t see a solution to my problems.

I’m glad I have a handful of amazing friends in my life who helps me through thick and thin and since I’m very particular about people I want in my life, I know I can trust these people to every bit. These days, my conversations with my best friends, Y (girl best friend) and S (guy best friend) have become really intense and whenever I talk to them, It’s more like I’m talking to my own self for help.Y, we’ve known each other since 9 years now and she has been a constant part of everything since then. So she is a different case altogether and we’re inseparable. I usually talk to S at night almost everyday once we both are free and I’ve noticed that our conversations have gone to another level these days. I can’t imagine sharing my family issues with anyone but I’ve recently shared them with him while we were just discussing a few stuff. And it’s just been like 7 months that we’ve known each other but we connected with a click ever since we started talking. Also, then there is this guy I met in NLDS, U (dope faced chutiya) who came out of nowhere in my life and impacted it so much all of a sudden. The time I’ve spent with him in NLDS was something unexpected and he has now become an integral part of my life. I’m forever going to be thankful to AIESEC for that.

I have my final year university exams in less then 20 days now and I’ve not really started studying in a way I wanted to. I feel so distracted with so many stuff going on in my head and it’s a complete mess there. I really have to start studying seriously or else my results this time as well will be disappointing for me.

Apart from this, I’ve also been placed in a decent company for my life after graduation through college placements. It’s a Sales profile and Sales was the last thing I wanted to do in my life because I don’t think I’m convincing enough for people and so I’m not that happy with the profile. Nevertheless, I’m still really looking forward for that life and work as well. I’m sure I’ll learn something better and eventually get what I deserve the best.

Everything is so uncertain these days for me but I’m pretty sure that heaven’s got a plan for me as well. For now, I’ve just decided to work my ass off for anything and everything that I’m doing and leave everything on the universe to unfold at the right time.

It’s 4:00 am now and I should maybe just sleep and rest now since I’m anyway not studying.

Good Night! 🙂

 

Graduation Chills.

I can’t believe that I’m almost about to graduate in a month now. Even though I’m really looking forward for my new life to unfold, I can’t get over the fact that I won’t be attending college anymore. I’m having those chills already.

I used to love attending college almost everyday. For me, going to college was actually like starting an entirely new day, in literal sense. No matter how my mood was or if I fought with someone or whatever happened the previous night, going to college and seeing all my friends and laughing with them used to make everything seem alright.

It’s difficult to put in words every thought whirling through my mind and every feeling rushing through my body. I go from feeling extremely angry that it’s not going to be the same anymore, to feeling a swell of pride for everything that we’ve accomplished thus far. I’m depressed, thinking about life without them, and ecstatic, knowing what’s ahead.

All the friends I’ve made in these 3 years, they’ve been my lifeline throughout the college days. When I used to stay alone, they’ve been my extended family here in Mumbai and now when I look back at what I’ve gained, I feel proud to have them. I’ve been through a lot of ups and downs emotionally because of them as well but now when I look back, it really doesn’t matter. What matters is who came along the way and stayed till the end, no matter how difficult it has been.

It’s going to be hard not being able to run up to each other every day and share our crazy stories or rant about something that just happened during the previous class or just randomly start laughing looking at each others ugly faces or stuff each others food in the college canteen.

I know wherever we all go, we will still be in touch forever. Because, it’s really not that easy to forget all the memories that we’ve created and lived upon these 3 years. Although we won’t see each other everyday like we do now, but that will make the times we do see each other even more special.

So, I don’t want this post to be a sad one. Rather, I’m really looking forward to be a part of the success that each and every friend of mine is going to achieve in future. I’m going to make sure that I remain the same person I am for them and change only for better. I’m going to make sure to be by their side in times of crisis and otherwise.

Fairy tales have happy endings, right? Well, our friendship may be a happy one, but it will never have an ending, I promise to abide by from my side.

I’d like to end this post by some lines that I happen to love from a song called “Hai Junoon” from the Bollywood movie, NewYork;

Kabhi jo milenge raaste
Pal mein hi chamkegi hasi purani toh
Kaho kya kaho ge hamein
Kaise chupaoge nami yeh palko ki

Yeh bata hai kya hua
Hua hai kyon bataaa….
Yaroon !!

20 Random Facts About Me.

  1. I still keep a Teddy and hug it while sleeping every night.
  2. I hate sharing my hair brush with anyone. Can’t even share it with my Mom.
  3. I love buying and collecting stationery. Specially fancy diaries.
  4. I am really bad at expressing any of my emotions and I’m working on it.
  5. I care way beyond measures about people I am attached to.
  6. I love being independent and doing most of my work on my own.
  7. I take my time to get detached from someone but once I’m done, I’m done forever.
  8. I love star-gazing.
  9. Dance is my therapy.
  10. I’ve had one relationship in past and I’m currently single and happy.
  11. My family always comes first for me.
  12. I love meeting new people and listening to their stories.
  13. I have an unconditional love for dogs but I don’t own any yet.
  14. I want to do something for the society eventually.
  15. I over think every situation, a lot.
  16. I want to learn something new everyday in a totally new field.
  17. I am bad at keeping in touch with people because I hate talking on calls for long.
  18. I hate people who are pretentious and always seek attention.
  19. I love eating. And I’m almost always hungry.
  20. I consider myself hopeless when it comes to being Romantic. I have completely different ways of showing my love to someone.

Venting Out.

So, I really miss the independent life that I used to live a year back, coming home whenever I want to, going out whenever I want to, wearing whatever I want to and doing whatever shit I wanted to do in my life and not taking my mom dad’s permission unless it’s a big decision or I need some extra money.

I miss the life I had in my 1st and 2nd year of college and every now and then when I think about those two years only one quote comes to my mind and it breaks me, the quote is “In the end you only regret the chances you did not take”. I feel like I could have done so much in those 2 years if by any chance I knew my life is going to take a turn and my mom dad are going to shift back to Mumbai in my 3rd year. Not that I don’t love them or that they don’t allow me to do anything that I want to. Just that, I start feeling way too responsible and bounded now when I have to go back home and stay with them.

My family is a middle class, down to earth “Marwadi” family where you’re defined by your “Sanskaar” or “Character”. But fortunately, my dad has been cool about a lot of stuff that I do in my life compared to other parents that I happen to know. He allows me to go partying late at night every once a while, I stay away from home for the whole day for some or the other work and he is still okay with it. My family members are the only people I could kill and die for.

But still, I miss that complete freedom that I used to have. Nobody was there to stop me from doing anything that I wanted to. And there are so many things left for me to do and so many people left for me to meet! My dad is going through some serious money crisis and so I and my whole family needs to keep a tight control over our expenses. And this is probably one reason why I feel bounded at times.

The kind of person I have become, I really don’t care about money anymore. And I don’t want to make my life about things. I want to make it about experiences and people who matter. I want to go on trips (be it solo or with someone), I want to explore new places, eat new food, meet new people and do possibly everything that can to make my life full of stories to share when I’m old and pale.

There is something about feeling everything so deeply and with so many emotions. You can’t express it. You can just feel it. And I’m that kind of person. I’m really bad with expressing any of my emotions. Like right now, I really don’t know what am I even feeling. I’m feeling something inside, some pain but I really don’t understand what exactly and how do I even define it.

I’ve been really off and irritated since I came back from an amazing conference called National Leadership Development Summit (NLDS) and I haven’t figured it out why! I feel that depressing feeling again in my life where I’m just lost. Clueless about myself and clueless about the world I am in.

I feel like a loser these days. I’ve become so quite and lost in my own world and I almost hate human interaction and social gatherings. I wasn’t like this when I was a kid. Life was so less dramatic at that age! And this world is a fucked up place to live in. People barely care about each other. Most of them are just pretending to.

I don’t only want to be pessimistic about my life. It’s not that bad. I have my happy moments everyday. And I smile. A lot. There are some people who genuinely want me to be happy. And then there are places that I go to and find my share of contentment. I call such places as my “Happy Place”. Whenever I go to my Happy Place, I forget about everything that’s bothering me and my life. These places are usually related to seaside or where I can feel the wind coming on my face and I just feel alive all of a sudden.

Okay, now I feel sorry for troubling everyone who read this but I really wanted to vent out everything today and thank you for bearing with whatever I have written here. I feel a little better now.

Much Love. XoXo

Why This Blog?

Before coming straight to the point of telling you all why I have started this blog, let me first tell you a bit about myself.

So, I’m a fun-loving, serious kind of girl, and my emotions depend on the kind of mood I am in for the day. Funny? Don’t worry, you’ll find me funnier (or weird, whatever you call it) as you continue to read what ever I have to share.

I am a 20-year-old, Indian, Workaholic and a Dance freak. I love keeping myself busy and when I’m tired with my life, I dance and take off my burden. I love people who are themselves inspite of their flaws and don’t pretend to be fake. And, and, and, the best part about me is, I LOVE EATING NEW CUISINES. A LOT.

Most people who know me think I’m shy and introvert. But, people who know me well, know for a fact that none of it is true. Yes, I do have my low hours and days. And you should probably LEAVE ME ALONE for a while! 🙂 I am a short-tempered person but I usually don’t take it out on anyone and hence, I WRITE it down! I feel better when I share my thoughts. A paper, pen and some light music are my best friends.

Enough about me for now and I’ll leave the rest on my posts for you to discover!

Now coming to the WHY of this blog, Since I don’t really take my emotions out, I prefer writing them down, not just to get rid of them but also to know more about who I am as a person. I want this space to be my space where I can vent all my good and bad days without having anyone to judge me. I will be sharing as much as possible about my day and my life here with maybe something positive I’ve absorbed in.

I don’t want to be clingy or creepy and not even a melancholic person because that’s not who I am. I am an independent and self motivated person, just that I need time for my emotions to settle and have to share my highs and lows with someone, usually.

If you like my blog, follow me. I promise not to annoy you with too many updates! So, come on. Follow me. Feed my fire.

Many thanks, already 🙂