So, I really miss the independent life that I used to live a year back, coming home whenever I want to, going out whenever I want to, wearing whatever I want to and doing whatever shit I wanted to do in my life and not taking my mom dad’s permission unless it’s a big decision or I need some extra money.
I miss the life I had in my 1st and 2nd year of college and every now and then when I think about those two years only one quote comes to my mind and it breaks me, the quote is “In the end you only regret the chances you did not take”. I feel like I could have done so much in those 2 years if by any chance I knew my life is going to take a turn and my mom dad are going to shift back to Mumbai in my 3rd year. Not that I don’t love them or that they don’t allow me to do anything that I want to. Just that, I start feeling way too responsible and bounded now when I have to go back home and stay with them.
My family is a middle class, down to earth “Marwadi” family where you’re defined by your “Sanskaar” or “Character”. But fortunately, my dad has been cool about a lot of stuff that I do in my life compared to other parents that I happen to know. He allows me to go partying late at night every once a while, I stay away from home for the whole day for some or the other work and he is still okay with it. My family members are the only people I could kill and die for.
But still, I miss that complete freedom that I used to have. Nobody was there to stop me from doing anything that I wanted to. And there are so many things left for me to do and so many people left for me to meet! My dad is going through some serious money crisis and so I and my whole family needs to keep a tight control over our expenses. And this is probably one reason why I feel bounded at times.
The kind of person I have become, I really don’t care about money anymore. And I don’t want to make my life about things. I want to make it about experiences and people who matter. I want to go on trips (be it solo or with someone), I want to explore new places, eat new food, meet new people and do possibly everything that can to make my life full of stories to share when I’m old and pale.
There is something about feeling everything so deeply and with so many emotions. You can’t express it. You can just feel it. And I’m that kind of person. I’m really bad with expressing any of my emotions. Like right now, I really don’t know what am I even feeling. I’m feeling something inside, some pain but I really don’t understand what exactly and how do I even define it.
I’ve been really off and irritated since I came back from an amazing conference called National Leadership Development Summit (NLDS) and I haven’t figured it out why! I feel that depressing feeling again in my life where I’m just lost. Clueless about myself and clueless about the world I am in.
I feel like a loser these days. I’ve become so quite and lost in my own world and I almost hate human interaction and social gatherings. I wasn’t like this when I was a kid. Life was so less dramatic at that age! And this world is a fucked up place to live in. People barely care about each other. Most of them are just pretending to.
I don’t only want to be pessimistic about my life. It’s not that bad. I have my happy moments everyday. And I smile. A lot. There are some people who genuinely want me to be happy. And then there are places that I go to and find my share of contentment. I call such places as my “Happy Place”. Whenever I go to my Happy Place, I forget about everything that’s bothering me and my life. These places are usually related to seaside or where I can feel the wind coming on my face and I just feel alive all of a sudden.
Okay, now I feel sorry for troubling everyone who read this but I really wanted to vent out everything today and thank you for bearing with whatever I have written here. I feel a little better now.
Much Love. XoXo