Graduation Chills.

I can’t believe that I’m almost about to graduate in a month now. Even though I’m really looking forward for my new life to unfold, I can’t get over the fact that I won’t be attending college anymore. I’m having those chills already.

I used to love attending college almost everyday. For me, going to college was actually like starting an entirely new day, in literal sense. No matter how my mood was or if I fought with someone or whatever happened the previous night, going to college and seeing all my friends and laughing with them used to make everything seem alright.

It’s difficult to put in words every thought whirling through my mind and every feeling rushing through my body. I go from feeling extremely angry that it’s not going to be the same anymore, to feeling a swell of pride for everything that we’ve accomplished thus far. I’m depressed, thinking about life without them, and ecstatic, knowing what’s ahead.

All the friends I’ve made in these 3 years, they’ve been my lifeline throughout the college days. When I used to stay alone, they’ve been my extended family here in Mumbai and now when I look back at what I’ve gained, I feel proud to have them. I’ve been through a lot of ups and downs emotionally because of them as well but now when I look back, it really doesn’t matter. What matters is who came along the way and stayed till the end, no matter how difficult it has been.

It’s going to be hard not being able to run up to each other every day and share our crazy stories or rant about something that just happened during the previous class or just randomly start laughing looking at each others ugly faces or stuff each others food in the college canteen.

I know wherever we all go, we will still be in touch forever. Because, it’s really not that easy to forget all the memories that we’ve created and lived upon these 3 years. Although we won’t see each other everyday like we do now, but that will make the times we do see each other even more special.

So, I don’t want this post to be a sad one. Rather, I’m really looking forward to be a part of the success that each and every friend of mine is going to achieve in future. I’m going to make sure that I remain the same person I am for them and change only for better. I’m going to make sure to be by their side in times of crisis and otherwise.

Fairy tales have happy endings, right? Well, our friendship may be a happy one, but it will never have an ending, I promise to abide by from my side.

I’d like to end this post by some lines that I happen to love from a song called “Hai Junoon” from the Bollywood movie, NewYork;

Kabhi jo milenge raaste
Pal mein hi chamkegi hasi purani toh
Kaho kya kaho ge hamein
Kaise chupaoge nami yeh palko ki

Yeh bata hai kya hua
Hua hai kyon bataaa….
Yaroon !!

Venting Out.

So, I really miss the independent life that I used to live a year back, coming home whenever I want to, going out whenever I want to, wearing whatever I want to and doing whatever shit I wanted to do in my life and not taking my mom dad’s permission unless it’s a big decision or I need some extra money.

I miss the life I had in my 1st and 2nd year of college and every now and then when I think about those two years only one quote comes to my mind and it breaks me, the quote is “In the end you only regret the chances you did not take”. I feel like I could have done so much in those 2 years if by any chance I knew my life is going to take a turn and my mom dad are going to shift back to Mumbai in my 3rd year. Not that I don’t love them or that they don’t allow me to do anything that I want to. Just that, I start feeling way too responsible and bounded now when I have to go back home and stay with them.

My family is a middle class, down to earth “Marwadi” family where you’re defined by your “Sanskaar” or “Character”. But fortunately, my dad has been cool about a lot of stuff that I do in my life compared to other parents that I happen to know. He allows me to go partying late at night every once a while, I stay away from home for the whole day for some or the other work and he is still okay with it. My family members are the only people I could kill and die for.

But still, I miss that complete freedom that I used to have. Nobody was there to stop me from doing anything that I wanted to. And there are so many things left for me to do and so many people left for me to meet! My dad is going through some serious money crisis and so I and my whole family needs to keep a tight control over our expenses. And this is probably one reason why I feel bounded at times.

The kind of person I have become, I really don’t care about money anymore. And I don’t want to make my life about things. I want to make it about experiences and people who matter. I want to go on trips (be it solo or with someone), I want to explore new places, eat new food, meet new people and do possibly everything that can to make my life full of stories to share when I’m old and pale.

There is something about feeling everything so deeply and with so many emotions. You can’t express it. You can just feel it. And I’m that kind of person. I’m really bad with expressing any of my emotions. Like right now, I really don’t know what am I even feeling. I’m feeling something inside, some pain but I really don’t understand what exactly and how do I even define it.

I’ve been really off and irritated since I came back from an amazing conference called National Leadership Development Summit (NLDS) and I haven’t figured it out why! I feel that depressing feeling again in my life where I’m just lost. Clueless about myself and clueless about the world I am in.

I feel like a loser these days. I’ve become so quite and lost in my own world and I almost hate human interaction and social gatherings. I wasn’t like this when I was a kid. Life was so less dramatic at that age! And this world is a fucked up place to live in. People barely care about each other. Most of them are just pretending to.

I don’t only want to be pessimistic about my life. It’s not that bad. I have my happy moments everyday. And I smile. A lot. There are some people who genuinely want me to be happy. And then there are places that I go to and find my share of contentment. I call such places as my “Happy Place”. Whenever I go to my Happy Place, I forget about everything that’s bothering me and my life. These places are usually related to seaside or where I can feel the wind coming on my face and I just feel alive all of a sudden.

Okay, now I feel sorry for troubling everyone who read this but I really wanted to vent out everything today and thank you for bearing with whatever I have written here. I feel a little better now.

Much Love. XoXo